Starving for Affection
by mistopher
Summary: spiolers for 10-1 and 10-2 Abby and Carter are on a break but something makes abby realize she really loves him but will she get the chance to tell him?


Spoilers for 10-1, 10-2 from me, Kay, and CAL!  
  
OK this starts out at the cafeteria it's the end of the day, after the fight and the giving back of the key. in 10-1 enjoy!!  
  
"So what now?" Carter asked her avoiding eye contact as they sat in the cafeteria. Normally they would be at Docs but since the fire they needed a new place and this was the closest.  
  
"Well... I don't know"  
  
"Look Abby everything is just.... I don't know what to do or how to feel about anything right now."  
  
"Well I don't either John! I mean what am I supposed to think about all this, you left and I didn't know how everything would turn out! I didn't know and I was so scared for you and angry at you!"  
  
"I didn't want to hurt you Abby I just needed to get out of here." he pleaded with her.  
  
"I understand..I think, but it was like you were running away, and it seemed like you were running away from a few things, me being one of them, and that hurt! I just wish you would have stayed and talked to me!"  
  
"I know Abby" he sighed audibly "but I was angry too it wasn't like you were there for me either. I couldn't handle it do you realize how much responsibility I have now? Gamma left me everything...everything. She knew I didn't want it and she gave it to me anyways. I just... I don't know where to go from here we used to trust each other Abby."  
  
"Carter," Tears filled her eyes as she reached for his hand, "I know...and I'm sorry, really I am. But do you know how hard it was for me when you told me you were going? I was afraid for you, afraid for us! I still...I Still trust you! But I just was so confused and angry that you left, just like that! I thought I was someone you could talk to John and this just made me feel so, well, alone." She sighed.  
  
"I know, and I'm so sorry Abby." He squeezed her hand back. "I just wasn't thinking clearly I was so hurt it was all I could do just to get through the days I just needed time... I think we both just need time"  
  
She was shocked when she heard him say "We both need time", it felt like she had been hit by a brick. She didn't agree but if thats what he wanted she would give it to him. "I am sorry too Carter." Tears were spilling down her cheeks, uncontrollably. "I really think that you going gave both of us a sort of wake up call. I think you are right, we need to sort things out, get everything straight, and then..." She paused, "then we can come together stronger than ever, I just want you to know that I really care Carter, I care about you, and I'm sorry if I hurt you..."  
  
"I know Abby , I know you didn't mean it i never meant to hurt you either." seeing her tears was crushing him he wanted so badly to take it all away, to protect them both from the pain this was causing but he couldn't. because he loved her and he knew this was the right thing to do. She needed to get her life on track. She needed to decide for herself to fix her life, to stop putting it on hold. If he stayed he would only be hurting her he would only enable her to continue as she was and that wasn't good for either of them. He needed time to figure out where his life was going, to figure out how to live his life with all the added responsibility of the Carter foundation.  
  
She looked into his eyes and thought about how all the pain they both were feeling was just pouring out in their words. He knew that she was hurting just as he was, but it was good they were talking, it made her feel a sense of security and relief. Maybe if they had time apart, a little time to think and get everything together, it would make the relationship stronger. She knew that she really did love him, even if she had never told him. and she knew he loved her, so, taking a break, even though it would hurt a lot until the moment she could hold him in her arms again, was probably the right thing to do. She kept her hand in his. "A little time..." She hesitated, "Would probably make us figure a few things out, and I think it would be for the best too. I think it might make us stronger." She said, hoping there was still an "Us".  
  
Carter looked at her he knew it was the right thing to do but realizing this was actually going to happen made his heart break. "Yea you're right." He said hating that any of this was happening. He couldn't believe that 2 years of waiting to be with her had lead to this. He started to say something else but he was interrupted by Susan.  
  
"Hey I'm.. I'm sorry you guys but Carter there's a phone call for you." she said "It's really important. she paused a moment then said "It's.. it's from Africa."  
  
Abby's heart skipped a beat. Africa, she thought, why would there be a phone call from Africa? She was getting really scared. Her heart was breaking now that she and Carter were going on a break, but now that someone from Africa was phoning, she was afraid of it breaking even more.  
  
Carter nodded to Susan "I'll be right there." then he turned to Abby he could see the fear in her eyes and he was glad he hadn''t told her of all the danger there.  
  
"I gotta get that" he told her pulling her up from the table he didn't know what else to say and he knew she didn't either so he did the only thing he could do. He leaned in and kissed her, not a passionate kiss but a soft gentle kiss that he hoped would reassure her. Then he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "It's going to be OK." he whispered then he let her go and walked away before she could see that his tears were beginning to fall.  
  
"Carter wait!" Abby called after him "I want you to keep this." She handed him the key to her apartment. "Just because." she said through her tears then she walked away.  
  
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Abby was day dreaming as Susan popped into the lounge and saw her staring into her locker she was thinking about Carter, and how much she really missed him.  
  
"Abby are you OK?" Susan asked Abby looked at her and tried to smile "Yea I'm fine." she lied. Who was she kidding she wasn't sure when she would be fine again. She though about Carter and her heart skipped a beat to say she missed him would be an understatement. When she found out he was going back to the Congo to get Luka she'd been scared to death. Luka had been killed; killed by rebels. And Carter was going back  
  
It turned out Luka wasn't dead after all but that didn't make her feel any better. It didn't mean that it was any less dangerous there. She got up and went to the coffee machine, she didn't want Susan to see that she was upset. Her face probably yelled out fear and sadness and she didn't want to talk about it. She was afraid, afraid she would lose the only man who really cared about her. Her eyes filled with tears. They had been doing that a lot lately. She had left so many things unsaid, so many things undone, and if she would ever lose him she would be devastated. She was also thinking about Luka, Sure they had some rough times but they were friends. She took the coffee in her hands as Susan looked at her.  
  
"I'm just fine Susan." She smiled. She hadn't had a real smile in a while. She missed the happiness that Carter brought her, and everything that came with it. Being on a break made her miss him even more. She knew the moment he came back she would tell him how she felt but she was afraid....... afraid he would never come back and that she would never get to tell him all the things she needed to say.  
  
She decided to go check on Luka he'd been back for 2 days now but he hadn't really been coherent yet. The malaria wasn't as dangerous now that he was getting the right medication but it would take time for him to get better. She thought about how excited she had been when she found out that Carter had found Luka and was heading home; only to be disappointed when she was told it was only Luka coming home. She remember the fear that had gripped her heart at that moment-actually it had never let go she had just gotten used to it being there. What scared her the most was not knowing not being able to reach him and wondering what would happen if he never came home..  
  
"Abby stop it!" she told herself. She couldn't think about it it was to hard. 'He will come home, he just..has to.' she thought to herself. She didn't know how else to reassure herself. She hadn't felt this scared, well, ever and she hated the feeling. She needed to believe he would be OK, that's all there was to it!  
  
"Abby..." Susan's voice broke her thoughts again. "Everything will be OK" She smiled and gave Abby a hug. Susan was always a great friend to her, but this time Abby was fighting a personal battle that only one person could help, and that was Carter. She was so scared, but tried to get her thoughts away from it all.  
  
"I know" She smiled at Susan.  
  
"Hey, why don't we go out tonight, just us girls hey?" Susan smiled and was hoping Abby would say yes.  
  
"No thanks" Sus I just wanna go home I didn't sleep much last night and by the end of this day I'm going to be exhausted. But thanks anyways." She tried her best to smile at her. She left Susan standing there staring after her. She felt bad but she just couldn't go out tonight not the way she was feeling.  
  
She walked into Luka's room and sat beside his bed sipping her coffee and thinking about Carter.  
  
She looked at Luka, he looked so pale, but he was getting better you could see that clearly. She held back her tears as her thoughts wandered to Carter again. Now that Luka was here, he was out there all alone, no one with him. She couldn't stand that thought so she tried thinking about Luka's meds and what he had to take. Nothing was helping. She just kept thinking and her thoughts were horrible! She needed to know where Carter was. Luka was sleeping, and she almost even woke him up. but she couldn't, he needed his rest. Hopefully soon he would be back on his feet again.  
  
"Hey."  
  
It was so quiet at first she wasn't sure she had heard it but when she looked up she saw that she had Luka was looking at her. She was so surprised. She couldn't believe it! She hadn't spoken to him since he came back, he had been too sick. At first she just looked at him stunned after a minute she went up to him and quietly said "Hey Oh Luka I'm so glad your alright!" Tears were surfacing yet again as he tried to smile, she could tell he was still feeling sick.  
  
"Where's Carter?" Luka asked and Abby's heart sunk.  
  
"He he stayed in Africa" she told him still crying.  
  
"What?" Luka asked almost panicked and that scared Abby.  
  
"He had to stay! You came back alone and..." She choked through her tears. She had to sit down. saying this out loud was effecting her horrendously and so she grabbed the nearest chair and just started sobbing. "They don't know how he is, and when they brought you I thought he was with you. When it turned out he wasn't we were all so scared...I'm still so scared"  
  
"When is the last time you heard from him?" Luka asked looking scared himself.  
  
"2 days ago when he sent you back here. He left word with the doctors that he was staying awhile.  
  
"OK" Luka said seeming to calm down a little.  
  
"Why?" Abby asked sill scared by the way Luka reacted to Carter being in Africa.  
  
"Well Abby..." He said not sure if he should tell her. But he knew that she had a right to know. "A lot of things happened there... We saw a lot of things that you would never see here. It was scary and dangerous." She was getting frightened by his words. "I don't think i should be telling you this! Never mind" He stopped.  
  
"No, Luka, tell me! Please...I need to know." Abby convinced him.  
  
"OK, as long as you want me to tell you about it."  
  
"Yes i do." She settled down a bit as he began.  
  
"The more Luka talked the more frightened she got. He started to talk about the gunman putting guns to there heads and Abby started to cry. oh my god she said and Luka stopped talking.  
  
"Abby you really shouldn't hear this."  
  
"Yes!, I have to Luka! I need to know what Carter is going through! I need to know" she was scared but sure of herself.  
  
"Abby" he said seeing the fear in her eyes, "it was OK they let us go because of how hard Carter had worked on the brother of the one member. Abby you should know how much he loves you. After the mai mai (sp) left he told me that all he could think about with that gun to his head was you. he couldn't wait to get home to you. Abby he really loves you."  
  
His words hit her deep. Her tears surfaced yet again and spilled down her cheeks. After hearing that she knew that he had to be alright because she had to be with him and that was that! She couldn't believe that he said that! She needed to tell him her feelings towards him as well. After hearing Luka say that she even had a bit of happiness knowing Carter felt the same way, she had always kind of known, but to just hear it was true made her feel better. But then she thought of him still there and her fear came back. She loved him, and she needed to know if he was OK. She needed him in her arms again. Suddenly she felt a terrible pain in her chest thinking of the way she had treated him the first day he got back he was looking for solace for love. He wanted to know he was safe and she had pushed him away she started crying freely now.  
  
"Luka how can I reach him? Is there anyway to get a message to Kisangani?"  
  
"Abby I'm sorry it's nearly impossible. The fighting in that area is so bad half the time the electric wires are even cut.." he stopped short realizing this wasn't helping her.  
  
She was getting more and more afraid, and when she heard him say all that she stood up. "There has to be a way!! I need to talk to him.. I need to tell him..." She stopped short realizing that she couldn't pour out her personal feelings right there in the room, especially with Luka there.  
  
"Luka, thanks... I know there is little chance but I just can't leave him like this! I need to talk to him. Are you SURE there isn't a way?"  
  
Luka sighed. "No Abby, but please, calm down. He will be OK! He is strong and he knows that he has something to live for." Luka looked up at her and she knew what he meant. Tears were falling like lakes on her cheeks and she just looked at Luka. "I know he will be OK. He has to be, but I just...I just need to hear his voice."  
  
Just then Susan walked into the room. Seeing Abby in a state of near panic she rushed to Luka to make sure he was OK then she turned to Abby.  
  
Susan could see Abby had been crying, since her eyes were all red. "What happened!" She asked, but seeing Luka awake and looking OK, she turned to Abby. "Abby what is wrong?" She was so worried.  
  
"Oh." Abby wiped her eyes. "nothing Susan" she couldn't help but sound weak. "Nothings wrong...Don't worry about me."  
  
"I will worry about you!! Your my friend Abby and I care! tell me what is wrong!" She took Abby's hand and looked at her.  
  
"Its just, I'm so scared...I'm scared about Carter." She felt like she was going to cry all over again "Susan I was so mean to him I really was and then he decided we should take a break and I agreed. It felt wrong but I agreed because I thought it would help us but it's not helping look where it got us!" She was frantic now.  
  
"Abby calm down," Susan said "its going to be fine he loves you. You know that no matter what is going on with you two you know that he loves you."  
  
"Yes I know! But I can't calm down! I know he loves me, but does he know that I love him? You know I never really ever told him that face to face!! I know somewhere inside his heart he knew that I cared just as much about him as he did for me, but I never said it! I was so mean. and I don't know I just need him to come back because... because I want to marry him! I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Because I love him and I can't spend another night all alone in our bed or all alone here! I just can't!" Abby was frantic. Luka and Susan had never seen her like this before! She was so upset and it showed. "I just...need him" She walked towards the door wiping her eyes.  
  
Susan looked at Luka then chased after Abby. "Abby you should go home i'll get your shift covered."  
  
------------------------------  
  
Abby walked into the ER a month later Luka was coming back to work today.  
  
Susan saw her walk by and felt a lump of fear in her throat she looked terrible. She'd been getting slowly worse day by day. Susan followed her into the lounge. She had noticed Abby looking sick lately but now it was getting scary she had black circles under her eyes and she looked like she hadn't eaten in weeks.  
  
She walked into the lounge "Abby..."  
  
Abby jumped not expecting anyone to be behind her. "Oh Susan, you scared me." Abby sat on the couch.  
  
She didn't even drink her regular coffee anymore! Susan was really worried. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. Are you alright? I mean.it looks like you have lost a lot of weight and, I don't know you just seem kinda out of it?" Susan tried to make it sound as polite as she could.  
  
"Oh Susan, don't worry you can say I look like crap." Abby rolled her eyes.  
  
It was the first bit of sarcasm she had heard Abby say in weeks! Susan smiled.  
  
"You don't look like crap Abby but I am worried about you!"  
  
"Susan you are a good friend just don't worry! I don't know, I guess I have been really scared, I haven't heard anything from Africa and I'm worried."  
  
"Abby you can't do this to yourself. You can't make yourself sick over this"  
  
"I'm not making myself sick!" she said with a hint of annoyance I'm fine" she lied. She knew she wasn't fine not unless regular dizzy spells, not being able to sleep, and having no appetite meant she was fine. but she didn't want Susan to worry about her she would be fine as soon as Carter came back. If Carter came back.  
  
But Susan saw through her, as she usually did.  
  
"Abby I want you to come out for lunch with me today OK? I really want you to and I'm not taking no for an answer! I know you say you are alright, but we need to talk." Susan got up and went to do her rounds.  
  
"No Susan seriously, I'm alright I just..."  
  
Susan interrupted her. "I'll see you at the admin desk at 12:00 alright? see you then." and she walked out of the lounge.  
  
"Dammit" Abby thought to herself. The last thing she wanted was to sit and talk with anyone. She wanted to handle this on her own. She knew Susan was just trying to help but she didn't want to do this! She thought maybe she could just not meet up with Susan but that wouldn't be good at all. She would just get angry and probably come to her apartment. She would go, she knew she had to! But she would just change the subject if Susan tried to ask her how she was! She couldn't let out her feelings or else she would break down right there in the restaurant!  
  
"Abby, Abbby" Susan said.  
  
"What?" Abby asked being shaken out of her thoughts.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Oh um just a salad thank you." she told the waiter.  
  
"Abby you need to eat more then that your wasting away it isn't healthy"  
  
"No I don't!! and I told you, don't worry! I'm fine thank you! Abby snapped back at Susan. She automatically felt bad after she had snapped. she didn't mean to. "I'm sorry Susan its just I'm not hungry at the moment."  
  
Susan only got more worried she couldn't help but think like a doctor. Abby was showing all the signs of depression irritability, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, weight loss, it all added up.  
  
"Abby, I have to ask you something." She waved the waiter away. "Are you depressed? I'm worried about you! If you need to talk to someone you know I'm here, and I want you to talk to me! I need you to, it's for your own health! If you don't, I'm going to have to get someone to come in and talk to you! I'm worried Abby, and I don't want anything happening to you!"  
  
Abby sighed. She knew that this lunch was going to come down to this. "Susan..." Abby was holding back the tears. "Do you know what its like, to try and sleep, not knowing where the person that is supposed to be laying next to you is? Or if he is even alive? I lay there every single night, crying into his pillow, sleeping in his shirt, praying for the day that he comes back! I have heard nothing, nothing at all! He is the love of my life! Ever since we met I knew that and I just can't let go! What if he is gone Susan? what if? Then I'll end up alone, all alone! I can't handle that! He is the only man that I could ever think of spending my life with! The only one that understands me and now i don't know if he is dead, alive, or even if he still loves me after the way i treated him! I need to know that he is OK and I don't! every night, I go to bed and I just don't know..." Abby got caught up in her words, realizing all that she had just said, and feeling her eyes fill up yet again. and Susan I'm not drinking I swear I'm not. I haven't had a drop since I found out Eric was OK and that makes everything so much harder to deal with.  
  
Susan looked at her warmly.  
  
"I don't know what it's like to wonder if someone I love is dead but I do know what it's like to loose someone I love more then anything. My niece Suzie was taken away from me. I raised her as my own for a long time and then one day she was gone. Her mother came back for her and just like that took her away from me. I do know how hard that is and I had to talk to someone about it to be able to deal with it. But Abby Carter's coming back. You know he is we would have heard something if he wasn't. We heard about Luka didn't we? He told you he just needed time he will be back. As for the drinking Abby I never thought you were I'm really glad that that's going OK with you.  
  
"I know, and i'm so sorry Susan about all that you went through and it is really hard!! I just can't help thinking something has happened to Carter, and you are right we heard about Luka. But Luka told me that all the electricity is out what if carter went out by himself and never came back and people don't know he is gone? What if... Oh Susan I'm just terrified!" Abby was clearly distressed and she was getting more and more worked up. She'd been thinking thease things over and over in her head for the last month but saying them out loud was another thing. She started crying ncontrollably Susan I'm gonna...." she ran to the bathroom and vomited.  
  
Susan chased after her and entered the bathroom in time to hear the toilet flush.  
  
"Abby, Abby you ok?"she asked?  
  
"I.. I don't know anymore Susan...I don't think I can really go on anymore not knowing where he is. I'm just getting myself all worked up and I can't do this anymore! I need to know where he is! We left on bad terms, well not bad terms, but not the best terms. and I can't face another day without him holding my hand! I need him here! He is the only one right now that could make my life better. I'm so sick of feeling sick...I'm sick of being tired I'm sick of it all. I can't do this anymore!" she cried. Abby was very pale and Susan was so worried. She helped Abby up and got her back to the ER. "Come on Abby, I'll give you something to make you feel better." Abby knew Susan would take care of her but didn't want any rumors running around the ER. "Susan please I don't want anyone to see me can you just write me a prescription and get someone to cover for me? I don't want to be here."  
  
"Abby I really think you should be admitted over night! Your really sick and I want to make sure you are ok!" Susan looked at Abby and gave her a hug.  
  
"Thanks Susan but I'll be ok! I promise right when I get home I'll eat a hamburger or something! She knew she wouldn't but she had to say whatever it took to convince her "trust me," Abby said.  
  
"Well as long as I can call and check on you!" Susan said.  
  
"Call me every half an hour if you want, I just don't want everyone to see me like this!" She pleaded.  
  
"Oh alright..." Susan gave in. She wrote Abby a prescription for compazine and said "Look Abby you know this won't do anything if you don't eat."  
  
"Yes I know Susan! I am a nurse after all Abby rolled her eyes, and Susan started to walk away.  
  
"Hey Susan!" Abby yelled after her.  
  
"Yea?" Susan turned around.  
  
"Thanks...For everything" Abby smiled.  
  
"No problem Abby! Anything for a friend." Abby smiled and walked out of the hospital.  
  
-----------------  
  
Abby was sitting at the table in her kitchen staring at the sandwich in front of her.  
  
She just couldn't eat it! She knew Susan told her to but she couldn't! her stomach felt like it was tied in knots. Tears were threatening to form as she got up to go watch TV. She felt a little faint but decided to walk over to the couch anyway. Before she knew it, she fell on the floor, she felt so sick and weak she couldn't get up. then she blacked out.  
  
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Carter stood outside of Abby's door he found it ironic that after a month and a half in Africa he was more afraid of what Abby would say to him. He didn't want her to get mad at him for coming back and he hoped she would still love him! he needed to tell her he was ok! They had so many things to talk about! He wanted to get off this "break" they were on.  
  
He walked into her apartment. He saw some food and pills on the table and then saw Abby lying on the floor! Automatically he thought maybe she had tried to kill herself, He ran to her side, tears welling up in his eyes he grasped the bottle off the table and read the label. It was only compazine and it looked to still be a full bottle. He knew that she couldn't have had an overdose and a sigh of relief escaped his body! But he knew something was wrong, so he picked her up and carried her to his Jeep. He was so scared and needed to get her to the hospital. The first thing he realized was she felt as light as a feather. She barely weighed a thing. And even though she didn't have her eyes open, he could see she looked like she had been crying..a lot! Her face was stained with tears. This made him even more worried. As he drove to the hospital fear filled up inside of him.  
  
Carter pulled up to the ER and carried Abby inside the first person he saw was Susan.  
  
Susan saw him, and saw who he was carrying and they rushed into a trauma room right away. "What happened??" Susan asked, feeling guilty she hadn't called Abby sooner to check on her.  
  
"I don't know I just found her like this!!" Carter was choking on his words.  
  
Susan you can't tell me she just started to look like this tonight she hardly weighs a thing how the hell did none of you notice? Carter was getting madder and madder. "How could you not have called and told me something was up? he asked as he checked her pulse it was weak but steady.  
  
"Listen Carter, we wanted to get ahold of you it's not possible to get a message into Kisangani. Abby wanted to get a hold of you so badly she made herself sick over you wondering where you were or even if you were alive."  
  
Carter was taken aback by Susan's words this was HIS fault she missed him so much she made herself sick. Carter looked at Abby and muttered "I should have come back, I should have checked on her." He looked down where her unconscious body lay and regretted every minute he had spent away from her. He had the chance to show her just how much he loved her and he wasn't going to let her lay uncounconscious he was going to help her.  
  
After they connected Abby to the feeding tubes there wasn't much more they could do until she woke up. No one knew how long it had been since she'd eaten much of anything. Susan realized with a start that she hadn't even eaten the salad at the restrestaurant she'd gotten sick first and they had left.  
  
Carter sat beside Abby and talked to her "Abby I'm soo Sorry I left you. I just needed time to think things over, and with Luka being almost dead and everything... I felt like I owed it to him to finish what he had started, to take care of his patients they needed me, but now I see that you needed me more but Abby I swear I didn't know. I would have come back immediately if I had known.  
  
Carter stood up ran his fingers through his hair and paced the room. He continued talking to her with tears in his eyes "I missed you soo much and I can't believe that this has happened. I won't let anything happen to you ever again, Abby, I love you please hurry and wake up it's all going to be ok now I'm here."  
  
She thought she heard Carter talking but she was afraid it was another one of the many nightmares that always ended with Carter getting shot and crying out her name. One of the many that had kept her from sleeping for the last month or so. She slowly opened her eyes to see Carter standing across the room, his back towards her. This had better not be a dream she thought it was to real. She didn't think she could handle it if it was a dream again. She felt weak and looked around her. that's when she realized she was in the hospital and she got scared she couldn't remember how she got there.  
  
She wanted to call out to him but she heard what he was saying and she stopped. She sucked in a deep breath of air before registering what she had heard.  
  
"I love you Abby repeated Carter, still unaware of her concconsciousness.  
  
Abby was suddenly very aware of what Carter said and immediately spoke 2 words that she knew would be some of the most meaningful words she ever spoke, "Me too."  
  
Carter turned in shock and there sat Abby, pale and thin, but sitting up none the less.  
  
"I love you too," whispered Abby "I've missed you more than you can imagine."  
  
Carter rushed to Abbys side and grabbed onto her hand "Abby I love you so much I'm so sorry I ever left" he said starting to cry.  
  
"John it's ok I'm just glad your back I missed you so much."  
  
I can tell he said looking at her frail body. Couldn't you find a better way of showing me instead of starving yourself? Abby, why would you have done this for me? I don't want you to hurt yourself, do you know how much damage could have done? If you went on like this much longer you could have died. Abby, I want you to realize the harm that could have come from this.Why did you do this to yourself??  
  
Abby stated crying uncontrollably and started shaking Carter crawled up on the gurney with her and wrapped his arms around her.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm soo sorry" cried Abby I just couldn't deal with everything I heard so many things from Luka about what really happened there and all I could think about was something bad happening to you. Then I started getting nightmares they always started out good and then you would get shot and I would try to get to you but I never could you would just lie there bleeding to death and calling my name and Icouldn't get to you."  
  
"I'm sorry Abby I swear I'm so sorry." he said rocking her back and forth.  
  
they were both crying now.  
  
"It's John you didn't know, and I'm sorry too."  
  
"Abby I want you to know something" he said "The real reason I stayed in Africa was because I couldn't bear to see you everyday and not be with you." He put his hand under her chin so he could look her in the eye "I figured if I stayed there then it would be easier. I didn't know things would be this hard for you . I loved you so much, I couldn't stand to be without you.I was going to stay longer but I couldn't take it anymore I needed to be with you. and thank god I made it back in time...before...this...well, before something worse happened."  
  
"Abby looked at him with tears running down both their faces and her hooked up to every machine in the ER they must look like quite a sight but she didn't care" she was happy for the first time in a long time.  
  
"I really love you Carter" she said with a smile not caring that her face was streaming with tears.  
  
"I love you too" he replied I've loved you for so long Abby I'm sorry I never told you before."  
  
"Me too John I should have told you a long time ago I'm sorry I was so scared I was afraid I'd lose you I was afraid if I really let you into my life you would decide it wasn't worth it that it was to crazy and you would leave. I was afraid you would really run away, like I've always told you to it made me so scared. Then when you left for Africa you said you needed time and you didn't come back with luka I thought maybe you were finally running away and it was all my fault I pushed you to far I realized that when you told me we needed time I agreed with you even though I didn't think we did. John there were so many things I should have said that day that I didn't because I was scared. when Luka told me about everything that happened there all I could think about is what would happen if you never came home what if you died not knowing how much I really love you." she stopped talking because she was crying again and couldn't get the words out.  
  
Carter held her tighter "Shhhh it's ok" He said I'm here now and I'm never leaving again I promise you."  
  
They sat that way in silence for awhile just holding each other soon Carter heard her slow rhythmic breathing and he knew that she was asleep.  
  
Susan walked past the room and saw the two of them lying together on the bed."Is she...?"  
  
"Yea she's ok she woke up and we talked but she's exhausted so I let her sleep. She looks like she hasn't slept in months." Carter felt a pang of guilt in his chest. "She probably hasn't." he said.  
  
"Carter you guys are going to be ok now." Susan said "Stop blaming yourself." then she walked away.  
  
Carter leaned his head on Abby's Susan was right everything would be ok now. he closed his eyes and fell asleep next to Abby.  
  
------------------  
  
Abby crawled out of the tub thinking about everything. She couldn't believe that just yesterday she had been lying in a hospital bed and today she was at home with Carter. She smiled to herself as she thought about how protective he had been since he brought her home this morning even drawing her a bath and setting out her clean pajamas. Apparently she wouldn't be leaving the house today not that she minded. She knew now more than ever that they would be ok, and he would be the man she would spend the rest of her life with! She felt so much better and it felt good not to cry anymore! He was so cute, and he even carried her from the jeep to the apartment, just because he thought it would keep her rested! He was the most wonderful man She could ever have. She let out a little giggle to herself. She slipped her pajama top over her head, actually it was carters t-shirt she noticed, and headed out to the living room.  
  
She saw that he had some candles lit and some wonderful music playing. She sighed as she saw him standing there, with a rose in his hands. She didn't know when he got them, but he had it. "Carter..." She whispered as he came and gave her a huge hug.  
  
"How are you feeling baby?" He asked, as they sat on the couch. He was still so worried.  
  
"Oh I'm fine especially now that I'm in your arms."  
  
He smiled intertwining his hand with hers. They layed back on the couch and she could hear his heart beating as she put her head on his chest.  
  
"Your cooking?" she asked him she could smell the soup through out the house.  
  
"Well someone has to fatten you up." he said only half joking "and I've tasted your cooking."  
  
Abby elbowed him in the ribs "Hey it's not that bad!" she said.  
  
He laughed as she did her famous pout. He loved it when she did that."Well someone has to cook for you anyways! We can't have you getting sick again!"  
  
She looked at him and smiled. "I love how you take care of me!" she said more seriously.  
  
He leaned in for a long, lingering kiss. "I always will take care of you Abby! Always and forever."  
  
She smiled, as they kissed again.  
  
"Carter, Carter you better check the soup" she said, playfully pushing him away.  
  
He laughed and nodded, getting up, not letting go of her hand until he had to, he walked to the stove. It looked about done. He poured some into a bowl and looked at Abby OK it's done!" he smiled looking at her, she had a blanket over her and she was sitting there looking so cute. He wondered why he was so lucky to have someone like her. He sat down next to her with her soup. He took the spoon out and started to try to feed her.  
  
"You are not feeding me!" Abby said reaching for the spoon.  
  
"Come on I want to" he said.  
  
"No way I'm not a little baby you've spoiled me enough today." she said taking the spoon and feeding herself.  
  
He tried to convince her that he could do it but she wouldn't give in, so he just gave up and watched her eat her soup. She smiled at him. "Thank you John, for everything." Then, after eating her soup, she put the bowl down and leaned in for a kiss. As they were kissing, she took his face in her hands and quietly said "John Carter, I love you, and I always will love you."  
  
He wrapped his arms around her more and whispered against her lips "Abby Lockhart I will love you too for the rest of my life" he pulled her closer.  
  
their kissing quickly became more passionate and Carter pulled back "Abby are you sure your OK?" he asked she seemed so small in his arms he didn't want to hurt her.  
  
"Wha... what do you mean?" Abby asked trying to catch her breath.  
  
"Well you've been through so much in the past day, well month even and I just want to make sure that, if we do anything, you will be OK."  
  
She couldn't help but laugh, he was so sweet. But she knew by the way her body was reacting to his that the only way she wouldn't be ok is if they did nothing.  
  
"Carter, what makes you think we are going to do anything tonight?" She teased, then kissed him again. "I'm alright Carter, as long as I'm in your arms, i'll be alright!"  
  
He looked at her and saw she really meant it.  
  
"Orrr maybe I'm a bit tired.." she said as she pulled away and stretched.  
  
"Oh ok fine!" He sat back and waited for her reaction, but she immediately grabbed him and kissed him passionately she couldn't stand it any longer she needed to feel his body pressed to hers.  
  
"Well if you insist" Carter said between kisses.  
  
"Oh I do" she said running her hands through his hair and moaning into his mouth she needed him so badly it had been so long since she had felt this way. her skin was on fire. she needed to touch him all of him and there were way to many pieces of clothing in thier way." Lets move this to the bedroom" she said well it was more like a breathless moan but she knew he got the point when he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.She knew right then and there that she was the happiest person on earth, and as long as she was with him, that would never change.  
  
"I love you John." she whispered to him as she nibbled on his ear.  
  
"I love you too Abby, forever." he said and she believed him.  
  
He pushed her bedroom door open and they went inside.  
  
They both knew that they were stronger than ever, and they would always love each other, forever. and that was all they needed. 


End file.
